Sunday doings

Such weird things I am thinking about lately. Habits are crazy things aren't they? I admit here that I have some obsessive compulsive issues in my life. I don't think iv'e ever really stopped to look at them. WEIRD! I have noticed lately that I have a system in my head of how things are supposed to be ordered such as : cleaning, a ritual morning routine,eating certain and the same foods, things I want from my kids, etc. This is definitely something I need to investigate more if I want to reinvent myself. My mom asked me if I wanted to do a small weight loss challenge ( when she read in an email how I am stuggling ) with her and I said sure. Today was okay until dinner time. Actually all of the seaweed salad and sushi I ate was nothing really in terms of calories. I kind of went to town at desert :( Tomorrow is a new day. I drank lots of water today. Slow and steady....

gut wrenching wants

It's new and fresh again. Sometimes I get stuck in a mental rut that throws me off for days. Why is that? I don't have to falter so much because of one or two so-so days. I put so much pressure on myself to be right, to be perfect, to say the right things, to think the right things, to look a certain way that it sometimes is crippling. I feel determined again. So what that I slip up here and there. Who doesn't?!! I have to learn how to live with the quiet, not so exciting ,times in my life. There cannot be constant " HOORAY!" moments. I need to learn balance I guess is what I am getting at.

I am worth it. I am worth losing weight. I am worth cleansing my body.

I am learning/reading how important it is to surround yourself with the right people.... this is a small problem for me in one instance. I am working on it. No, who am I kidding? I am NOT working on it. I am still obsessing about it and doing the absolute opposite of what I should! That's okay, I am okay, and in time it will all work out. I do have to create my "brand" and stick to it. Going for it at all time. Good things, abundance, love, wealth, health can all be mine. I know for sure it can be yours too. It's all in the mind set that you have! I am CONVINCED!

A day can bring so many challenges that it is easy to get discouraged. I know in my heart that changing the channel from time to time is really important in order to think the right thoughts. I am going to at LEAST drink 8 glasses of water today. One step at a time....

Here are two reasons that anything good and productive have started in my life. My children. I am striving to be a better person to leave a legacy for them. I have to focus on me and my well being as I know this will only make my childrens lives better. Focus Elisa, focus! You can do this!

Went out East yesterday and had a beautiful time. I was with an aunt who I just can't figure out sometimes, who gets very moody at the drop of a dime and talks heavily about how bad her life is , how hurt she is, how unhappy she is and how awful certain people are and what everyone in the world has done to her. If I allow it I can slip in a deep and dark depression while being with her but I did pretty well. I tried to be encouraging while staying positive. All in all it worked out. My kids had a wonderful time and I kept my eating pretty much under control. I did not drink enough water yesterday.

Today will be very busy. I am going to head upstairs now and sit on the couch with no one around to meditate for 5 minutes this time. Let's see if I can do it. This seems to be the only way to calm my inner, racing dialogues! I have to make coffee and start my day. I will be in and out. I want to exercise but for some reason I am not doing it. I am making every stinking excuse in the book! Why? I will drink my water. Although I don't love drinking water it does make me feel better, my mind thinks better and I feel as if I am doing something good for my body.

I want to get into the state of mind of knowing infaticaly ( not sure how to spell this?) that I must put myself first. I must put myself first in order to be healthy and much happier. I need to KNOW that my happiness and well being will bring joy and happiness to my children and to my family in general. "If momma' aint happy no one is happy!" :) This is my focus today. I will try hard to put myself first.

I am able to accomplish all good things in my life, there is abundance in the world for me and I am going to relish and experience first hand the joys and goodness every minute of life....There is nothing, plain and simple that I cannot acomplish.

Things I am proud of:

my ability to sell so well on Ebay

passing two certification tests after being out of the loop for years! I did this all within 6 months

being so close to filing for permanent certification

my job

my job come September

my ability to get so many things done in a day

my compassion

looking for motivation girls/guys!

I have been running all summer trying to keep the kids busy. There is no extra money these days for any sort of fancy camp or anything. And even when my son did so a week long science camp ( half day ) he was looking for something else to do within the same day! I love being off with them for the summer. It is exhausting though to be the cruise director! Thankfully we head to the beach every now and then and the kids have a nice group of friends who call them to play. My daughter started up with her competitive cheer, the kids are getting braces , we are reading to get back in the swing of things for school and well I think I am just tired!! This is no excuse I know!

The water felt great last week when I was drinking so much of it. I drank a decent amount but will drink more when I head upstairs now. I enjoy reading a lot and have two books that are inspirational to me. For some reason I feel as if I don't have enough time to do anything. This is not good and maybe/probably an excuse.

I meditated this morning for only 3 or 4 minutes and I have to say it helped for a pretty long time. I think I am going to try it again one more time this evening. I focused on something that I want more of in my life and just kept repeating the same three sentences. Calming....

I will definatly not exercise today for I am just too exhausted. I am going to head up now, drink some water and read hoping and wishing to calm the inner dialogue :)

I am thankful for so many things. I think I will list them right this very second before signing off:

My house

My children

the food in my refrigerator

my mother

my creative side

the gift to sing

God

Much more but have to run. Hey- it's a start!

FAITH

I had a pretty decent eating day today. I just had dinner and everything was delish! I have to say not every choice was the best at dinner but I am trying to concentrate more on portion control. This is what helped me in the past when I did weight watchers. I never made it to the end but that is what always helped me lose was the portion control part of it. I drank a lot of water but I don't think enough. I will drink some more before bed. I walked tonight but not my full walk. Something got in the way. That's okay.

I didn't weigh myself last Tuesday. I thought I did. I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning as it will be one week trying to live more healthy. Some bloggers have these really cool weight stats on the side of the blogs. I wonder where they come from?

I had a nice day today. I notice my inner clock is always running, racing and I SO want to calm it down. I KNOW meditating would help me. Trouble is within seconds I am off on another thought. I know that that is normal and that it takes practice. This is a goal of mine too , to meditate. I will try it again... even if for only 3 minutes or so.

I have something in my life that is NOT easy to break through. It is something that is hurting me and I am having a hard time figuring out the issue. It is something where I feel totally powerless. I have had that feeling about so many things in my life. NOT ANYMORE!! It stinks now though that this one issue which is really close to my heart is just something that weighs heavily on my shoulder. I don't want it to stop my progress. I just wish I had answers.... I will just pray and try to have an open mind. Actually? This is all I can do anyway about it because I am lost...

I took a picture today for myself! I will post it later. I love it :)

Stomach pains , fear and life~

I am going to try and make this short but sweet. Who am I kidding! I can't make anything short & sweet! I went to a bar-b-q yesterday. I have to tell you that I went " over the edge" with my eating and I swear it sent my entire body into a tail spin! I used to smoke 1 to 3 cigarettes a day since I was 16. Now? I can go three , four months with nothing , buy a pack and smoke one a day until it is gone ( lasting about 3 weeks). I can go a full year with nothing. I know, it's strange. Well, my husband went out to the store to buy something. I had a very teeny glass of wine and I asked him to buy me cigarettes! He HATES when I smoke. I thought he never would. Well... he did. I went to hide ( which is what I do when I smoke ) and right away, after being stuffed to the gills and after a cup of coffee, the cigarette and combination of my stomach BLEW UP! I fell asleep in my sister in laws house for an hour or so. This to me is sad. I won't focus so much on how sick I think it really is but more on they why? Why did I do that to myself? Why did I go on the BINGE of a lifetime! Was it fear? Was it feeling much bigger than all of the women at this party which in turn set my insecurity button to " HURT YOURSELF, HURT YOURSELF"? I will try and focus more on seeing what that 'behavior' ( I can't spell that word!) did to me physically. I learned my lesson. For now. Never say never but I am not fond of what happened to my body. It almost SHUT down and said " You need to take care of us or we are leaving you girl! Shutting down shop and making you miserable" which is what happened exactly!

Today is a new day. I had a whole wheat bagel, 2 percent cottage cheese with half a banana and a cup of coffee. I will focus again on being mindful when I eat. I will bring lots of water to the beach to get that in. Although I do not like drinking water I will say that after awhile it makes my body feel better. There is major information, of which I have not read, out there on the importance of water in our bodies!

Mentally I am drained today and I know it's just a matter of changing the frequency and realigning my mind like a good chiropractor would do! I can do this. I can do ANYTHING I set my mind too and so can you. Believe in yourself. I am pushing through the fear. My negative thinking has no power over me :)

Water, Ebay & what goes on on Sundays :)

Morning! I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get myself to walk yesterday. Between cleaning all day and then food sopping ( came out of the store at 9:45 pm) and putting everything away. Just no way! I was exhausted. I have read more than a time or two that you should move at least 30 minutes a day. I know it was not the typical exercise way but believe me you, I moved!

I have a small food/mind victory. As stated in my blog yesterday because I was alone I just wanted to go and eat a Sundae for dinner. It was on my mind like a little kid waiting to be brought to the toy store. As I also said I chose not to do this after reading someone's blog. The better thing is I decided to purchase a Lean cuisine at the grocery store for dinner instead of buying something out. It was delicious but SUPER small. After this I had a 0 fat Chobani yogurt. That was delish! So all in all I did pretty well for not eating anything since 3:00 or so. This was mindful and I am proud.

I am off to work on Ebay a little bit and then will probably head out for a walk. We are visiting family today and I want to get everyone up and out to church by 11:00. Wish me luck. I am the only willing participant!

My goals for today are: to drink at least 5 glasses of water, to walk and to make good food choices while at the BBQ.

cleaning could be enough but it's not...

I cleaned all day! It amazes me how much I get done when my children are not home. I am not saying now that I sit with them and read all day, or do puzzles or make sure they are writing, making cakes with them or lifting them up spiritually when I am home but it's the " Ma! Can you get me?", " Ma! she just pinched me!","Ma! we are boredddd!" and the likes where I have to stop whatever it is I am doing. When no one is here I can do and accomplish whatever I want AND at my own pace. This to me is heaven and I need to focus HARD on this feeling. On any feeling that makes me happy because this is what my journey is all about...learning, appreciating and creating a happier, more beautiful and balanced life. The thing is to find feel this when everyone is home!! I think I like being alone a little too much ;)

I have been drinking water today like a mad woman! I feel proud of myself for this. I am not to keen on drinking water. I am reading The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and loving it. One thing he says is if you want to be thin, study thin people. If you want to be rich, study reach people and well, you get the drift! I think thin people are always drinking water. Is it true? Anyway, I like his theory and I believe it's TRUE! Isn't that all that matters?

My eating today was okay. I think one thing I did not so great was eating the entire baguette at lunch time. It was this heavenly baguette made with cranberries and walnuts from my husbands' friends bakery. Believe it or not I hade tuna on it ( the sweet and salty was actually really good!)! It was heavenly. Soooo much bread though. I cleaned for a few hours, up and down, and did not snack so I guess it's not that awful but I know it could have been smaller.

Now please don't laugh but I SWEAR I was ready to slowly slink out this front door and head onto Baskin Robbins to have a sundae for dinner!! I mean no one is home! No one can bother me, no one can ask for one too and well! Just because I could I was going too. I began reading some weight loss blogs and I decided against it. If nothing else this blog is helpful in that way! LOL

So off I go to try and figure something decent to eat for dinner. Our cupboards are bare!! Momma' needs to food shop and she keeps putting it off and off and off! It's one of my least favorite things to do!! Wish me luck...

Think ABUNDANCE!

Think abundance

Iv'e always had this really weird thing where I thought ( and still do sort of ) that if you are beautiful with no makeup then that meant you were truly beautiful. Meaning that you didn't need lots of make up and just the right hair style, push up bra or 'get up' to prove your beauty. It's kind of a silly thing but I still have that in the back of my mind. Maybe it is an excuse for not putting it
all
together. For not putting my best foot forward? I am working on it all now so it doesn't really matter. I want to be beautiful naturally first...before all the "hype".....

I have a good feeling in my body today. I don't know if it because I am wearing black which always makes me feel thin or if the walking every day plus drinking the water all week has made a difference? Whatever it is i'll take it! I feel lighter mentally and physically. I slept a long time and maybe this helped. I am reading a great book. I am thankful every morning and even throughout the day. I won't look for the 'why' I will just revel in this feeling and search for more of it.

I did not weigh myself. I am going to wait until the 7 day mark from my first post here.

I have no children today. I need days like this. My husband LOVES to take them to work on Saturday. I stopped begging them to stay home. I have many things I want to accomplish today. It's heavenly to do them at my own speed.

Abundance is my key word today! Negative thoughts have very little power in my life. My positive ones are the ones that are going to shoot me through the roof! I am loving this journey.Yes, some days are easier than others and so what? I'm here and i'm workin' it!

For those of you that feel weak today...think you're not worth anything...put a song on you like, go for a walk, wash your face with cool water and repeat as often as you need to that you ARE worth it. There truly is something to the phrase " fake it till you make it". God doesn't make mistakes. Don't forget this!

The walking felt like something tonight...

I did not want to go. I have yet to feel energized or excited about moving my body. I have heard it does get better. For now? It is not better.

I will admit after each and every walk I feel good that I did something productive for my health. Tonight I walked with my daughter. She is only 9. Her legs are not as long as mine and well ... we had to walk much slower. I thought for a minute that it might be a waste of time but in actuality it was a GIFT in time. We were able to talk, we were both getting exercise, fresh air and truly? This was a gift for me.

Today was a decent eating day. I CANNOT put off grocery shopping one more single day! When I have decent food in the house it is so much easier. I sort of eat little things here and there that were left overs. I certainly don't mind leftovers at all it's just that the left overs started to become scraps really. Oh by the way I forgot to mention I am reading Dave Ramseys Total Money Makeover! what a great book, concept and so forth. You'd be amazed how much money you can save when you eat left overs instead of ordering pizza's! I might be amazed too.... being I order them too much!LOL I am working hard on my finances and doing well. There's something about turning 40 I think. Okay, so I am 43 but you get my drift! I just want to shape up, clean out the garbage in my life and get on with it. I want to LIVE. I have no idea what I was doing for the last 42 years!!!

I have one large problem and it is that my children refuse to eat fruit or vegetables. It would not matter what suggestion you had because I SWEAR to you we have tried them all. It's a problem.In my eyes though problems are made to be solved. I drank a very good amount of water today. I am not seeing the scale move but then again I don't think I should be on it every day like I have been doing. I want to take pictures of me for here but for some reason I am afraid. So ridiculous!

Anyway, the games have begun and I am playing on time and on the right field. How awesome is that?!If I wake it's a good day. If I see my children it's a good day.... and the list goes on and on and on :)

PB & J's-yum!

I just had lunch. I ate something I totally LOVE! Peanut butter and Jelly. I used lite bread and instead of having two pieces I had three. This is like eating one in a half regular slices of bread. Felt like a lot which is what I like. Peanut butter is not bad for me so I feel okay about this and I use a decent ( not HUGE ) amount of jelly. I love this sandwich!

Off to clean my upstairs. I am going to drink a whole glass of water before starting to clean. At least I can get one glass out of the way. I hope this "
water" drinking thing starts to feel easier! It's all a process and I as said this morning I need to sloooooow down and enjoy the ride!

Leave me comments, please! Especially if you are working on a healthier you. I love to read about other people , especially if they are trying to obtain similar things in their lives. How are you working toward your life goals? I can't figure out how to surf "weight loss" blogs. Have any idea?

Thinking is the way to go

So here I sit after having drank my morning coffee ( drank, is that a word?), listed some items on Ebay and am now ready to start my day. I ate my breakfast which is my usual warm , fresh NY bagel and a cup of coffee. For the most part I make my coffee at home. I have been eating fresh bagels every morning for about 18 years! I know they are loaded with carbs but I am not ready to cut it out of the diet just yet. I am going to drink my water today and move for 30 minutes in some kind of way. Not sure what.

I think the winning strategy here is to think before making any moves. I think this is probably the way with everything. I do a lot of impulsive things such as the way I speak to my children, the way I speak to my husband,the way I eat, the way I dress and so forth. I am going to try and slow down my inner clock. I am always racing even as I sit here right now after having done my most favorite morning type things! Things that make me happy! Drinking my coffee, reading my emails, playing on Facebook and listing on Ebay.

Thinking, meditating even if for only 3 minutes or so), laughing, reading, straightening and keeping mindful of my actions. This is where it's at for me today...One day, one step at a time...

Not to shabby-I did it!

I have no idea why the thought of walking, just walking, not running a marathon , doing a spin class or building the Brooklyn Bridge, W-A-L-K-I-N-G!!! Makes me feel as if I have to lift a BARGE to get up and do it. I did it! I kept thinking and thinking and after awhile I started to feel guilty. Nothing wrong with that! I put it into words here that I wanted to move today and guess what? Those words stuck in my head like lead and the guilt of not doing it weighed ( no pun intended ) on me like a brick! I just wanted to post here that I drank my water and walked. Eating day was okay. Nothing to write home about...

Being full doesn't seem to matter...

I noticed something strange and different yesterday after eating. I noticed that I am full pretty quickly but that I pay NO attention to this and keep eating. I like to eat until I am stuffed and NOT full. BIZARE! What is that all about? I can't just be full. I don't stop then. I eat and eat until my belly feels full and I feel sort of numb... even achy. It's almost like being high! Did I just say that??????????? I don't even get high! Perhaps tipsy... I think yes, that's a better word. I IGNORED my discovery yesterday. Just put it right out of my mind. Nothing that small was going to stop me from my constant denial! Well, it hit me again today. I should say, tonight.I started to eat my dinner. I don't think it was the greatest dinner but it was fine. I had an egg roll and half an egg drop soup ( the small container ).Soup was bland and awful by the way. For the first time I didn't finish something when I did not really enjoy it.So after the egg roll and a few minutes into the soup I was full! It's quite the let down. Number one because I don't know what in heck to do with myself when I am full so quickly. Who stops eating and or just gets up or just continues to sit there and have a nice conversation with whoever she is with? Who does not just aimlessly shove? I know I don't and hence my reason for writing this blog!I need to find other things to do at this point. The soup was bland and I ate half. I will admit I was hungry right before dinner so anything in front of me, that was somewhat within the realm of what I like was going to be eaten. Being that the soup did not fill me I needed a 'sweet' to make me feel "okay" about the whole dining experience. I ate one chips ahoy. Not a big deal right? then I started to pick on the delicious chinese noodles they give you. I needed the kick. I needed just the right thing.....I ate some and then realized I was eating for no apparent reason and therefor I stopped. These are the things I really need to focus on. I have not completed my 3 glasses of water task I had set out to do today. I am going to head upstairs and get them down all in one shot. I have some cleaning to do and will somehow get in 30 minutes of exercise. It is already 7:21 and I have made every excuse in the book as to why I can't. I will. You'll SEE! :P

Lethargy, Baguettes and stuff

I do not sleep right. My husband likes to fall asleep with the TV on and I need total silence and it to be pitch black! He is usually pretty good with not turning that junk box on. If he goes up before me though ( and that means it is late!) well then iv'e lost out. I went to bed late while listening to the television. Not good! I notice that I wake up every morning NOT energized ( and this is not because the television is on because some/most nights it is not). Is this normal? Many times I wake up and immediately say " thank you" in my mind for several things. I have to pay attention whether or not this effects my getting up and moving. I did not profess 'thanks' today. I want to find ways of feeling more energized. Calming down, thinking more positively, praying and or meditating can help. Work... work... work Elisa, you can do this!!

The picture above was my breakfast. I am addicted to carbs. Truth is that they are delicious to me and ( almost embarrassed to admit this ) they are so QUICK to eat! No preparation, nothing! There are some alternatives for my breakfast, I know this, that are not too hard to prepare. We'll see. I eat everything dry. I don't add butter or cream cheese to anything.I have a feeling that eating these carbs in the morning would not be a big deal if I were to add more water and move everyday. Hmmmmm.....another thing to focuson/think about!

I am going to focus today on drinking 3 full glasses of water and moving for at least 30 minutes. These two things seem VERY simple. To me however? They feel like a challenge. I WILL work on this and I CAN accomplish it.

I am looking forward to changing. I am looking forward to exercising. I am looking forward to all of my endless possibilities.

The night!

Tonight was so much fun! I am convinced that laughing is the secret ingredient to opening up the soul and healing many things. I MUST find ways of doing this more often. I laughed so much and what a blessing....

Now onto the food part. I ate. I did not deprive myself of anything but I was mindful. I think I could have done much better but it was not awful. I passed on the fries on my plate because I knew I wanted dessert. The place I went to has these mini desserts that I think were a better choice than the big full sized ones. My friends kept saying " it's your birthday, go ahead and get the bigger one" because it was the type of chocolate I liked but I passed and stuck with my little one. It was perfect! One thing that I was not too thrilled about was that I ate 4 or 5 fries and to tell you the truth? I hated them from the first bite? So why? Why did I keep eating them? they were NOT small nor thin. These are the things I have to ask myself. When it's GROSS just ignore. Ooh! A metaphor I think?!lol I drank the water I said I was going to today.

Off to rest...

Going out to Eat-always a hard thing for me!

Tonight very good friends of mine are taking me out for a belated birthday dinner. These friends know absolutely every thing there is to know about me. They have been there for me through thick AND thin! Going out to eat for me is a very difficult thing. I notice though that much of that 'FRENZIED-out-of-control- eating' that I do when I go out can cease if I just stop and get or am already in the right frame of mind. I am going to shower as I have been out at the beach all day and I am going to try to dress as nice as possible. I started to just throw my hair back and even skip the make-up for awhile and for what?! I am going to meditate even if for only three minutes on how I want to behave with my food tonight. Does this sound nuts to you? I think it may just work for me! Let's see... I will come back and report. Pssssst...this is for you too!<3

Measurements

Okay I did it. I measured myself this morning. Crazy numbers! Who cares though really? This is not about being perfect. This is about me , for me and for anyone else who is convinced they have to stay in a rut, in one place mentally and physicallY because I know ( and you will eventually too ) that it's all garbage! Those inner "ick" tapes.... burn them, recycle them.... they're useless! So here are my numbers, Hips-41 1/2 inches, biceps-14 inches, Chest? I don't know if this is right. I held it behind my back and kind of lifted my boobs! I had no bra on LOL ....this was 44 inches,thigh-26 1/2 inches and my calf 17 1/2 inches. I will try again in a month or so and see if anything changes. Mind you I have NO exercise routine in place, I am not looking to become a gym rat or a muscle head. I just want to be mindful of my body. I want to figure this out in my own way!

I had lunch. It was yummy!! thing is I saw a bag of hard pretzel nuggets sitting next to me at the computer and wanted to go to town!!! I ate two and then stopped. I "thought" about what I was doing. I was not hungry in the least. In fact I was full from lunch! One victory down.

I am off to spend some time with friends today and to wear the dreaded 'swimsuit'!.... That's okay though, I think part of this battle is needing to love myself now, during and after... so off I go!

Here are a few pictures of me at 163 pounds. Yes, I know we all look in tip top shape on our wedding days but still.... it's a good motivator. It was 13 years ago. I am not morning my youth at all. I am not looking at these pictures thinking " aww, I wish I had that hair again, I wish I had that face again" or anything like that. I am happy with my age and who I am. There is NO use in looking back only forward. These pictures are to 'capture" a feeling that I want to feel again....

Thinking Through this.....I can do it

I just ate the most AMAZING cranberry baguette with walnuts!! It was huge and I halfed it. I would have normally scoffed the whole thing down. I had a cup of coffee that was left over from yesterday!( sounds gross I know ) I make it in my Farberware pot ( only pot I will use and it's old!!) and the second I take my first cup I unplug it so that it doesn't burn. It's never as good as the first hot one but the next day aint bad ! LOL I am having to tell myself over and over, " do not eat that last piece of that ( the baguette), do not, you don't have too" and can you believe I am NOT even hungry!!?? It's just this weird " entitlement " thing I have with food. The STRANGE thing is, and hear me out people, that that 'entitlement' that I feel about food ( that hurts me, makes me big, makes me miserable, slows me down, clogs my arteries, makes me buy a size of clothing one size up that's really too big just to fit my waist but too big on my legs and butt!) should be turned around and used with money, love, success, work and children!! I am entitled by the human law of nature to have all of THOSE amazing things....NOT a stinking piece of food!!! I am working it... I am working on all of it! Be back later. LOVE yourself!! xoxo

It's scary but it's here...

I have spent the majority of my life putting myself down and not thinking I was worth very much. It took me a really long time to figure out that that thinking was all nonsense! Now, for the first time in my life, I am looking forward to really becoming the person I want. I have spent years hiding behind the fat, taking pictures from the neck up ( of which you will see ), putting across this strong, tough girl, attitude to cover up what I really thought about myself and I am done with all of that. I am so done I can taste it! Change is good although not that easy. I am sure changing will be easier than the way I was living but non the less it is a little tricky. I just finished reading The Secret. What a great book! I have wanted to read it for a very long time. Took me nearly three years to find a way of getting a hold of one. My change in " spirirt " was happening before this book, trust me. This book helped me look even farther into the truth. The truth is I am capable and able to obtain whatever it is I wish for, I am capable and able of having a beautiful body and I am capable and able of living a happy life. You are too!

I am focusing so much on the word "capable" which may seem strange to most but I spent years thinking that all of the good things in life were for " those people" and not for me. Garbage! Those good things are for all of us. You just have to turn your thinking around.

My dream is when someone goes to take a picture of me? I do not ask them to take it from the chest up, I don't crop the size of my arm out of the picture so much that it looks thinner, I don't turn my leg in so as to fool my mind into thinking my stomach will not show as much. I want to start taking care of my body. I have let it go so badly. I am not here to moan, whine or to complain. I am not here to wallow in self pity. I am here to start a journey to a healthier me. I want to look better and I want to feel better. I can do this!

This picture I am about to post here is awful of me. The sun was blaring in my eyes but I just wanted to post it here as a beginning shot. Those are my arms - dots and all and that is my extra little chin under there....I am big and I don't want to ignore it anymore. I HATE clothes shopping when I ADORE clothing. Does that make sense? I love style, clothing and anything to do with fashion. If I have to go clothes shopping though I tense up and would rather ...well , I won't say it!

I am going to start to try and focus on why I am eating the way I am and maybe this will be a decent place to start. I walked tonight with my kids. What a nice time. We walked for about 40 minutes and we were all super tired but it's a start! I didn't need the ice cream when I came home though. This is not about being fake here. You will hear the truth and maybe relate to it a time or too. Tomorrow I am going to try and drink 3 full glasses of water. Today I drank about 2. I think I will measure myself tomorrow with the help of my little girl. Kind of hard to do by myself. Here is a picture I hope to never take again.....