The night!

Tonight was so much fun! I am convinced that laughing is the secret ingredient to opening up the soul and healing many things. I MUST find ways of doing this more often. I laughed so much and what a blessing....

Now onto the food part. I ate. I did not deprive myself of anything but I was mindful. I think I could have done much better but it was not awful. I passed on the fries on my plate because I knew I wanted dessert. The place I went to has these mini desserts that I think were a better choice than the big full sized ones. My friends kept saying " it's your birthday, go ahead and get the bigger one" because it was the type of chocolate I liked but I passed and stuck with my little one. It was perfect! One thing that I was not too thrilled about was that I ate 4 or 5 fries and to tell you the truth? I hated them from the first bite? So why? Why did I keep eating them? they were NOT small nor thin. These are the things I have to ask myself. When it's GROSS just ignore. Ooh! A metaphor I think?!lol I drank the water I said I was going to today.

Off to rest...

Going out to Eat-always a hard thing for me!

Tonight very good friends of mine are taking me out for a belated birthday dinner. These friends know absolutely every thing there is to know about me. They have been there for me through thick AND thin! Going out to eat for me is a very difficult thing. I notice though that much of that 'FRENZIED-out-of-control- eating' that I do when I go out can cease if I just stop and get or am already in the right frame of mind. I am going to shower as I have been out at the beach all day and I am going to try to dress as nice as possible. I started to just throw my hair back and even skip the make-up for awhile and for what?! I am going to meditate even if for only three minutes on how I want to behave with my food tonight. Does this sound nuts to you? I think it may just work for me! Let's see... I will come back and report. Pssssst...this is for you too!<3

Measurements

Okay I did it. I measured myself this morning. Crazy numbers! Who cares though really? This is not about being perfect. This is about me , for me and for anyone else who is convinced they have to stay in a rut, in one place mentally and physicallY because I know ( and you will eventually too ) that it's all garbage! Those inner "ick" tapes.... burn them, recycle them.... they're useless! So here are my numbers, Hips-41 1/2 inches, biceps-14 inches, Chest? I don't know if this is right. I held it behind my back and kind of lifted my boobs! I had no bra on LOL ....this was 44 inches,thigh-26 1/2 inches and my calf 17 1/2 inches. I will try again in a month or so and see if anything changes. Mind you I have NO exercise routine in place, I am not looking to become a gym rat or a muscle head. I just want to be mindful of my body. I want to figure this out in my own way!

I had lunch. It was yummy!! thing is I saw a bag of hard pretzel nuggets sitting next to me at the computer and wanted to go to town!!! I ate two and then stopped. I "thought" about what I was doing. I was not hungry in the least. In fact I was full from lunch! One victory down.

I am off to spend some time with friends today and to wear the dreaded 'swimsuit'!.... That's okay though, I think part of this battle is needing to love myself now, during and after... so off I go!

Here are a few pictures of me at 163 pounds. Yes, I know we all look in tip top shape on our wedding days but still.... it's a good motivator. It was 13 years ago. I am not morning my youth at all. I am not looking at these pictures thinking " aww, I wish I had that hair again, I wish I had that face again" or anything like that. I am happy with my age and who I am. There is NO use in looking back only forward. These pictures are to 'capture" a feeling that I want to feel again....

Thinking Through this.....I can do it

I just ate the most AMAZING cranberry baguette with walnuts!! It was huge and I halfed it. I would have normally scoffed the whole thing down. I had a cup of coffee that was left over from yesterday!( sounds gross I know ) I make it in my Farberware pot ( only pot I will use and it's old!!) and the second I take my first cup I unplug it so that it doesn't burn. It's never as good as the first hot one but the next day aint bad ! LOL I am having to tell myself over and over, " do not eat that last piece of that ( the baguette), do not, you don't have too" and can you believe I am NOT even hungry!!?? It's just this weird " entitlement " thing I have with food. The STRANGE thing is, and hear me out people, that that 'entitlement' that I feel about food ( that hurts me, makes me big, makes me miserable, slows me down, clogs my arteries, makes me buy a size of clothing one size up that's really too big just to fit my waist but too big on my legs and butt!) should be turned around and used with money, love, success, work and children!! I am entitled by the human law of nature to have all of THOSE amazing things....NOT a stinking piece of food!!! I am working it... I am working on all of it! Be back later. LOVE yourself!! xoxo