queen of anxiety & procrastination

When it comes to exercise I play this really bizarre mind game with myself. I do almost anything and everything to avoid it. I spend hours playing games with myself. It is now 4 30 in the afternoon. I decided that I can only do exercise first thing when I wake up ( when I am off from work ) or right after work. I have had off due to the snow storms here in NY and guess what? I have played a constant game with myself all day long. I wish I had a damn physcology degree. What is up with me??!!! I have this deep seeded thing in myself where I like to accomplish several things in one day but I always leave a loose end somewhere. I will clean the whole house from top to bottom but leave one room. That sort of thing. I think I spend a lot of time, too much time, feeling sorry for myself. For what? I hate complainers and I hate people who moan when they have no real problems. Why should I be any different? Why don't I hold myself up to the same thing I hate. Really I am too hard on myself. I do many great and wonderful things in my home and for my kids. I always think because I am fat that they don't matter but they do. Well.... this was another way for me to avoid exercising by blogging here with you. I am going to get off now and I think I will do it. Let's see. I'll let ya' know!

sashe-mambo

I have been exercising about 5 or 6 days a week using a weight watchers cd. I have to say it is pretty darn good. I think I got it on sale when I used to attend. I had lost 22 pounds back then but gained back at least 15 of those 22. Oh well.... I'm done harping on the past. I HATE hate HATE hate to get up and exercise. When I am done I feel like a champ though. I have learned that if I don't get it out of the way first thing in the morning on the weekends or right after school it just doesn't happen. I have to cook , clean, do homework with the kids, list on Ebay, teach religion, bring kids to their activities, doctor appointments and life takes over. Exercise does not happen. So it is just something I have to do. I am using it to sort of kick start my weight loss. I am not obsessing about the food component. I am being mindful but not ready to dive in head first. Over eating compulsively is definitely something that keeps me from dealing with heartache and money problems. I realize this now more than ever. It is something I really need to deal with. I will though. In my time... in due time....

Saturday and love that i'm home...

I might be starting a Saturday blog here. It seems this is when I can post. Things are about to change again soon in my job. I will admit...I don't like change very much. Change scares me yet I know in my heart that change is what brings reform, change is what brings new life, change is usually for the better.

I am going to return to my old post as a teaching assistant. I was graced with a permanent sub job for three months and I believe, by the grace of GOD, that this will be all the remaining hours I need in order to get my permanent certification. My TA ( teaching assistant )hours did not count. All in all this has been a huge blessing to me. I knew the end would come and now that it is here I am feeling sort of disapointed. I thought that something else would open up or I thought that because another perm. sub, who got a leave replacement, will be out longer that my present "gig" ( this is what we used to call our singing jobs. I was a wedding band singer for years! Did you know that?) could be extended but for logistical reasons that can't happen. I believe that being persistent, good at what you do and honest usually pays off. I don't think I can fix or wriggle my way into this desire this time. My desire to extend my current position...

I have to, I want to , I need to- for my soul BELIEVE that God has another plan for me. Things may not happen the way I want them to but if I hang in there long enough , wait patiently enough without grumbling and not give up when I am tired that his plan will unfold to bigger and brighter things for me. Time. Time is the thing that can make or break me and I have to become it's friend.

I love you. Who am I talking to? Not sure... God, myself...my soul... my life....

I believe today. I believe in the power of goodness even though my heart hurts from certain things. I believe that God, that the universe is on my side. I believe that if I breath calmly, look into my soul for the love and warmth I need, if I speak softer, if I move more , if I pray more, work harder, cherish my children more than in time my dreams will come to pass. I believe today.

I am lonely sometimes. I have such a full life though. I have healthy children in which I am grateful for. I have a home , although smaller than I would like , is pleasing to my eye in spots.Some spots need more love from me and they will get it... in time. There's that word again. TIME. I have many things to be grateful for but I am lonely. I know, or I think I know, what would fill that spot but I have not been willing to make the changes I need. It begins with my weight and ends with my love. Many details in between those two words that I will skip for now.

I love my life. Yes, I can say that even though there are times I feel like jumping out a window..( joke of course- laugh-will ya?!). Thank you to the universe for holding me and thank you to my conscious for allowing me to know right from wrong even when I don't do the right thing....

Bring it on....

it's raining,it's pouring

Saturday is my usual day for cleaning. Now that I am 43 years old and 40 some odd pounds over weight I can't seem to clean the way I used too. I take it at leisure. To tell you the truth I sort of like it this way. I actually like to be home. I do not have the money to make my house the home I really dream of but little by little and very slowly, while I pull my life together, I am getting there. I have so many dreams for my house but for now? I have to appreciate what I have. Again, I really like to be home. I need a lap top so that I do not have top spend so much time in this basement. Although it was redone it needs to be painted and cleaned up a bit. It's time. Some lights are out and well... it's not very uplifting. I am finding, very much so, that life is too short not to love your surroundings and everything in it.

I am being conscious of what I put in my mouth today. I am not making any bold statements but know that eating 35 to 40 points a day keeps me at this weight and eating 28 makes me lose. I have been eating 35 to 40 everyday.

Be back later. I want to find and write about some inspirational things.

sad days

It's not the same anymore. My life is not feeling like it did a few months back. I felt empowered and ready to tackle anything. I saw endless possiblities in the smallest of things. Each day lately is a struggle mentally in one way or another. Sometimes I don't know who to trust and I suppose the only people I can really trust are first myself and then my two children.

I am eating my life away day in and day out. It's a drug for sure.

I am just going to write because making these bold statements about how well I am going to do or how well I feel would be nothing but empty promises and there's nothing I hate more than that.

I can't stand whiny people yet I feel like lately this is all I do with myself.

I need help. I need to buckle my boot straps and pull them suckers up! I am NOT going down like this. No way and no how. I will find my way. Maybe writing would be a good beginning...

Back

It has been quite some time since I posted here. I have to say I reverted back to my old ways and have not lost a pound. I was directed over here tonight to read about someone elses life and in turn it sparked an interest to peak back in on my own. Isn't this how life always works though? I find throughout my day that there are so many things that happen for a reason. They happen and as uncomfortable as they may be or no matter how uncomfortable they made me feel they are there to teach me a lesson. I find things usually happen to teach/point out to me that I need to re-group, be less sensitive, appreciate what God has graced me with, learn how to be more quiet, listen better and so much more.

I will drink water tonight and this is my only claim to fame today.

Thank you to the universe for giving me life, my children, food , water and shelter and a body and mind to create whatever it is I wish and dream for. It's all up to me and I know it.

Sunday doings

Such weird things I am thinking about lately. Habits are crazy things aren't they? I admit here that I have some obsessive compulsive issues in my life. I don't think iv'e ever really stopped to look at them. WEIRD! I have noticed lately that I have a system in my head of how things are supposed to be ordered such as : cleaning, a ritual morning routine,eating certain and the same foods, things I want from my kids, etc. This is definitely something I need to investigate more if I want to reinvent myself. My mom asked me if I wanted to do a small weight loss challenge ( when she read in an email how I am stuggling ) with her and I said sure. Today was okay until dinner time. Actually all of the seaweed salad and sushi I ate was nothing really in terms of calories. I kind of went to town at desert :( Tomorrow is a new day. I drank lots of water today. Slow and steady....