Stomach pains , fear and life~

I am going to try and make this short but sweet. Who am I kidding! I can't make anything short & sweet! I went to a bar-b-q yesterday. I have to tell you that I went " over the edge" with my eating and I swear it sent my entire body into a tail spin! I used to smoke 1 to 3 cigarettes a day since I was 16. Now? I can go three , four months with nothing , buy a pack and smoke one a day until it is gone ( lasting about 3 weeks). I can go a full year with nothing. I know, it's strange. Well, my husband went out to the store to buy something. I had a very teeny glass of wine and I asked him to buy me cigarettes! He HATES when I smoke. I thought he never would. Well... he did. I went to hide ( which is what I do when I smoke ) and right away, after being stuffed to the gills and after a cup of coffee, the cigarette and combination of my stomach BLEW UP! I fell asleep in my sister in laws house for an hour or so. This to me is sad. I won't focus so much on how sick I think it really is but more on they why? Why did I do that to myself? Why did I go on the BINGE of a lifetime! Was it fear? Was it feeling much bigger than all of the women at this party which in turn set my insecurity button to " HURT YOURSELF, HURT YOURSELF"? I will try and focus more on seeing what that 'behavior' ( I can't spell that word!) did to me physically. I learned my lesson. For now. Never say never but I am not fond of what happened to my body. It almost SHUT down and said " You need to take care of us or we are leaving you girl! Shutting down shop and making you miserable" which is what happened exactly!

Today is a new day. I had a whole wheat bagel, 2 percent cottage cheese with half a banana and a cup of coffee. I will focus again on being mindful when I eat. I will bring lots of water to the beach to get that in. Although I do not like drinking water I will say that after awhile it makes my body feel better. There is major information, of which I have not read, out there on the importance of water in our bodies!

Mentally I am drained today and I know it's just a matter of changing the frequency and realigning my mind like a good chiropractor would do! I can do this. I can do ANYTHING I set my mind too and so can you. Believe in yourself. I am pushing through the fear. My negative thinking has no power over me :)